It seems like a lot has changed in the week since I last updated... like my whole perspective on this weightloss thing of mine. It just sort of suddenly really got to me how big it is, how much of my life it's become, everything... really weird. It's been almost the defining factor of my life for the past 3 years or more.

And I've been trying to figure that out, because it's not really that obvious I don't think. If you looked at me, completely objectively, I don't think you could tell. I'm about a size 6/8, I think I carry it pretty well, I've always put alot of effort into looking pretty, doing my hair, makeup, cute clothes. High school... my friends were all really attractive. I was actually the object of envy for some girls because of my closeness to a certain guy named Jerry who, whenever he visited me @ lunch, would come straight to where I was, touch my arm and make me smile and laugh and feel like the only girl in the world... and four years of this, how lucky am I? I would've been jealous too. ;)

Anyway, I just should never have become as obsessed with weight as I am. I've only ever really had about 20, maybe 25 lbs to lose. But it's been 3 years and I've only been gaining. There absolutely has to be another reason besides it being hard, you know? So I guess I probably just needed something to hide behind... an excuse for being as insecure as any girl in high school usually is. And I convinced myself that the reason I didn't have a boyfriend, didn't have these superclose friendships I always dreamed of, didn't have this perfect prom queen Kelly Kapowski high school thing going on... all of that was because I was fat. And if & when I got skinny it would all change. My whole life would completely turn around in 20 lbs. It was so much easier to believe that than to face reality and just live something that was really scary to me with very little confidence.

So I am finally realizing how crazy that all is and finally getting over my whole living weight-driven deadline after deadline thing. And finally realizing that my life doesn't have to be hopeless until I fit into a size 2 or whatever. Can I tell you what a relief finally getting all of this is?

But that's not to say that losing weight isn't important to me anymore. I am fully aware that I'm basically going to have an eating disorder for the rest of my life. I have a fucked up relationship with food and weight, and it's such a part of me that it's probably not going anywhere like, ever. But that's okay in a way, because it keeps me from giving up. I still absolutely hate feeling fat. I am in no way accepting this weight. Things are just going to be a little different now...

I'm just going to take things somewhat slower. I can't keep losing five pounds and gaining it back overnight. It just isn't real. I can't feel like I'm on a diet everyday... that just doesn't work for me, I break down and give up and end up gaining. It's just been so engrained in me that I have to eat soup and starve and all of that... blah, no. It gets so fucking desperate when, uh reality? If 3 years ago, 1 year ago, a couple months ago - if I had just taken it slowly then, I would be there by now. So I'm just going to take it all one day at a time. I'm going to work out and eat better and just do it my own way and trust that for awhile.

PS, I have actually been doing this and I feel really good about it.

I still hope that I lose weight before school starts, obviously. But even if I just feel a little lighter (and I kinda already do), I'm not huge. I'm not that fat. It's always been way more mental than physical anyway. I can be happy like this & still want more... actually I hope I'm always happy & still want more. ha

So that's all... I started getting scared that nothing had changed this summer, when everything was supposed to. But now I get that I am just so much better now, so much more ready for (um!) college... I feel alot more comfortable with, maybe everything. And that's what this girl always craves... feeling comfortable.

"I just remembered that time at the market
You snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down aisle five

You looked behind you to smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave
Can't remember what went wrong last September
Though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve say 'she's gonna be good for you'
They throw me high fives

She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was so dirty

Life of the party
And she swears that she's artsy
But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
Or so they say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
And poses for pictures that are being taken
I loved you
Grey sweat pants
No makeup
So perfect

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back..."

- John Mayer "Comfortable" Inside Wants Out

haha so fitting, right?