I meant to update sooner! Anyway, ugh, guess I don't have the best news though. Literally right after I got back from vacation and put up that entry about how I had lost weight & everything was going really well... are you freaking kidding me... of course I start my period. I seriously hate being a girl sometimes (about once a month actually). It always, always comes at the worst time. For real, it never fails.

So I know periods suck for everyone but I just like, fall apart or something I think. Not only do I feel like I weigh 300 lbs, I look like it, and the scale practically says so too. And I start these obsessive cravings (I think I have been eating cookies everyday since wednesday) so that I probably will still weigh that much after the whole water retention thing or whatever it is goes away... Yeah, and that's just the weight related issues. akjsfd. Okay so I guess that's enough there, huh?

So I found my old diary from most of my sophomore & junior years... oh my god. It basically just, broke my heart. It was so hard to read that, to realize that I have spent the last three years trying to lose like, 20 lbs. And actually longer than that because I'm sure I had another diary before, but that's not even the sad part. I just have never felt so pathetic and completely filled with regret... these are three years that I have missed out on a million things, that I have shyed away from or backed out of or didn't even try to get involved with because I felt too fat. Pretty much. I mean that was basically high school for me, wasn't it? Feeling too fat and trying to lose weight and never actually doing that.

I'm 18. And what does that even mean? The reason I haven't had a boyfriend. The reason I didn't go to my Prom. The reason I don't really have any best friends. All of it, all of these missed experiences and regrets are directly related to my relentless mindset that I'm too fat... just, that's it. Such a long time for someone this young to feel like that, isn't it?

It's not that I wish I would've been some super popular, incredibly social person in high school - that isn't me, fat or skinny, I'm not that girl. I'll never be, I don't want to be, etc. But my ridiculous insecurity kept me from alot of things that would've been good for me anyway. I don't know.

I mean I'm okay... it was just high school and I probably am better off having spent most of it like, at home I guess, in a way atleast. I wasn't thaaat pathetic socially I suppose, huh? I like who I am, I'm happy with how I turned out or whatever, it's just this one part of me I can't get rid of... this girl who has been trying to lose fucking 20 pounds for fucking years. It's so stupid.

So I am getting rid of that girl is what I'm trying to say. Really it just doesn't matter that much. Sometimes I wonder if there's a bigger reason I haven't lost this weight yet. If I've just decided that it's easier to say I'm not going to try and attract guys or have better friendships because I'm too fat, I'm not good enough, than actually putting myself out there, you know?

It's not the weight anyway, it's what the weight does to my crazy head. It's my hardcore insecurity, obviously.

So now, this is how it's going down, kids. God I am just going to try and figure out a normal way to eat, you know? Like how I was on vacation, not getting all weird about food and getting back into the whole eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, eat less/exercise more, blah blah blah. I mean I'm just gonna have to strive for that. I would much rather it be that by the time I'm at school I've pretty much gotten into that routine & I'm happy with it & I weigh atleast somewhat less than now... as opposed to having having freaked out and starved myself down to a weight that lasts 2 days, you know? So.

I just really want to get down to 145 by then. I just remember being so happy and comfortable at that weight last summer. I know I'm not going to reach my 135 goal before I school starts. I'm incredibly lame for that, it's totally my fault, I've had three full months and I wasted them, like the past three full years esentially. But I feel like 145 is somewhat attainable, if I work hard, and I have to, and then atleast I can feel comfortable on like, my first day of freaking college, oh my god.

Yeah, hello, in less than a month I'm gonna be at collllege! Crazy, crazy.

So I can't wait to go clothes shopping. I took my brother today, got him all Adam Brody-ed out ;) I really can't until I'm closer to 145, though. It'll be more meaningful that way... Oh and I was looking at these Coach purses... maybe I should just wait until Christmas, but, ahhh they're so cute. There are a couple $328 ones that I <33 but I have never spent even close to that much on anything let alone a purse! Then there's a cute $168 one, but it's kinda small and I really like bigger purses... I don't know, but I think I would just go with a classic black leather one so it stays kinda timeless. Wow, I'm kinda rambling, huh?

So I hope it doesn't take me too, too long to get to 145, but we'll see. I also am going to get all new really cute underwear (isn't that the best feeling, when you're wearing like a really pretty, sexy bra and you're the only one who knows? lol) and cute sweats/tanks for pjs... blah blah blah.

I have 2 days left until my Sept. 1st deadline - I cleaned out the bathroom but I still have my entire room & closet to do, aaah. That will be tomorrow I guess!

The Dave Matthews concert was amazing... he's just, awesome. I love Dave. I don't know why I was being lame about it before. He's great. :)

I promise, promise (you & myself) I have to be better about updating this, keep myself accountable & everything.

"What am I to you?
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
Oh to whom else do you go
See I'd cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

Now if my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I will love you when you're blue
But tell me darling true
What am I to you?...

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Would you find the love in me?
Would you carve me in a tree?
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will love you when you're blue
But tell me darling true
What am I to you?"

- Norah Jones "What am I to You?" Feels Like Home