So packing is fun. Yeahhh I guess just wait until I have to pack freaking everything I own, right? Except for I have to get rid of like half of it first because in a month I am moving into a tiny tiny room with a tiny tiny bed and closet...

Bit of a wakeup call today! I was getting ready for our vacation and so much just hit me... Like when I was trying to find another makeup bag (have I mentioned how crazy compulsively organized I am? Literally I have separate makeup bags for shower stuff, face stuff, makeup, & makeup brushes/tools. I know!) But anyway I was digging around in the cabinet under my bathroom sink and I came across this little purse that I must have had Freshman year and inside was $3 (I know, score, right?) and an almost illegibly-faded receipt for a lemonade at one of our malls on December 9th 2000. First of all, only in Southern California, lol. Secondly, I totally flashed back... Christmas shopping with Kelsie and Michele. Michele's mom drove us to the nicest mall in San Diego and I guess our parents must have given us money because we were 14 years old and didn't have jobs, maybe it was from babysitting. But I remember we went to Abercrombie & Fitch and would only buy the shirts that had obvious A&F markings on them (of course so everybody would know we shopped there) and I vaguely remember shopping for anyone else besides ourselves... ha.

So funny. We were so young then... we couldn't even drive ourselves to the mall. It made me really sad. It seems like it was so much easier to be friends with them back then. It probably wasn't, I'm sure there was still some kind of drama going on... but we were the three of us. I almost forgot that it was ever that way. This was before I went to Europe with Kelsie. And before she came with me to New York. And now... before Kelsie and Michele went to England together...

I guess wait until I clean out my entire bedroom... I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. I mean if the receipt was any indication it's going to be kinda hard and sad but hopefully pretty cathartic too... we'll see, I might be a mess ;)

Oh and then I had to say goodbye to my dog before my mom took him to the pet sitter's. I went downstairs and played with him for awhile, told him I loved him alot and that he was my favorite dog ever, etc. etc. And then I like, had to run upstairs and cry. I know, I'm such a dork. But it was like... oh my gosh I'm leaving my little puppy for 10 days but next month I'm leaving him like, forever, him and my entire family. So I was sad for awhile and then I was okay but just a general like... 'huh, this is really going to happen, isn't it?' feeling.

And then I wandered around Savon for half an hour (I needed one of those travel-sized cans of shaving cream) looking at everything... just sorta thinking and stuff. I guess I'm just starting to try to get comfortable with basically this whole new life that's coming up for me. It's sooo exciting and scary and I feel like a total cliche but, that's what it is.

Anyway, first I have to do this vacation. I feel bad that I'm not more excited for it. I wish I didn't think of it as a total roadblock in my diet, but I can't help it. I mean, I love New York and I'm looking forward to going shopping and all of that, and I'm sure Boston will be pretty and I'm glad that I get to go back East again, but I kinda wish it wasn't for so long. I guess 10 days isn't that long. I don't know. It doesn't really help that it's totally thunder-storming over there. Oh and I have to get up at like 3:30 tomorrow morning. Seriously.

Oh and on Friday I have to sign up for my classes, so I've been freaking out trying to figure that out all week... it is so, so not fun. I know I'm not going to get and English class, which is my best subject, so argh. And I don't know if I'm going to get anything else either. And French is this whole drama 'cause I've taken four years of it, but I did my first year in 8th grade so then I was done with everything they offer @ my school by junior year, meaning it's been a year since I've done any French (well, I tutored last year, but mostly just first year kids)... so I would take a lower division class but I'm not sure I would get full credit for it & it doesn't look like there are any spots open anyway. So I bought this French review book that I have to get thru before taking my placement test when I get there. Aaaah, stressful. I have alot to study to get into a fifth year college level French course. I was never even that good... had this heinous old lady for three years (classic high school French teacher) I always got an A. But it was fucking hard and I only got a 3 on the AP test. But in my class only two people got 4s and I think five people got 3s, the rest failed it I guess. That's pretty sad. Anyway, lets just say I have alot of reviewing to do!

But I'm going to dedicate myself to it, because I think I'm going to minor in French. I'll probably end up majoring in Communication (that's what I'm going with as far as scheduling @ this point) and if I've done this much French I might as well just go with it. Besides I think it would be so cool to be fluent. And languages are the absolute best excuse to travel, and ha, score me 'cause that means I get to go to Paris! That's pretty much the reason I got to go the first time ;) I don't know, it kinda goes with what I'm thinking career-wise, but we'll see.

So I don't really know what's going on with the weightloss thing. I've been very consistent with the Pilates and I'm even bringing my little "Winsor Dozen" sheet on vacation so I can stick with it. But the eating has been weird. I would be really good and practically gain weight and then eat normally and lose a little and then stall at around 157, which is about where I am now I think. It sucks. If I can't lose weight when I'm dieting really, really well then what the hell am I supposed to do? It really scared me for awhile and then I finally got down to 155 again but then I would randomly be up again the next day. I don't know. And if I would weigh myself like 4 times in a row it would be different everytime. Maybe it's my scale. I hope. But Jesus it's hard enough eating like 1200 calories a day, if I get nothing in return for it then... I really don't know... I never thought that would be the problem! It's usually that I can't stay dieting, not that I can't lose the weight when I do... I guess I'll have to figure that out when I get back.

So the plan for vacation is to just go with it I guess... I can't count calories and be perfect but I can try my best atleast not to gain and to keep up the Pilates and then when I get back home just fully rededicate myself to getting all hot for school :)

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not scared to death about not being there by the end of September. But I don't know what else I can do. I mean the plan was to be 140 by Sept 1st, and I know that is literally impossible. But I'm still going to try and I'm still going to keep trying. I mean I'm not asking to look like Mischa Barton or anything. Just like a size 4. But that's hard to say because I'm a 6 at Abercrombie, 8 at Gap, and my Express jeans are actually 10s I think. So... I guess I would like to lose 2 sizes? Sounds okay. I so hope I can get there... so, so much.

But it's not really that big of deal if I'm not perfect right away. As long as I get there sometime soon I guess.

I got a couple magazines for the plane (although I should be completely focusing on the French book) and I think it was Teen Vogue with.. aah.. Alexis Bledel & Adam Brody on the cover! Seriously, it was like they made it for me, lol. But they look so, so cute together, and they're all prepped out. I love it. She's like my new fashion icon, she's always so cute and classic but still a little trendy and unique... And she never looks like she's trying too hard, you know? Ridiculously pretty though, and almost Mischa Barton-skinny. It's okay though, for Rory ;)

Well I guess I should probably go get a few hours of sleep... gah. I'm going to miss writing in here for 10 days! Wish me luck in the rain... goodness. Love you all lots <33

"Midnight
Lock all the doors
And turn out the lights
Feels like the end of the world
This Sunday night

There's not a sound
Outside the snow's coming down
And somehow I can't seem to find
The quiet inside my mind

3:02
The space in this room
Has turned on me
And all my fears have cornered me here
Me and my TV screen

The volume's down
Blue lights are dancing around
And still, I can't seem to find
The quiet inside my mind

Daylight is climbing the walls
Cars start and feet walk the halls
The world awakes and now I am safe
At least by the light of day
At least by the light of day..."

- John Mayer "Quiet" Inside Wants Out

i don't know if i've ever put this one in here... it's one of my favorites ever, i think one of the most stand alone beautiful songs i have ever heard actually. a good one to leave you with for awhile ;)