So this really isn't that bad. Another good day, eating was perfect, Pilates for an hour. It just feels alot more managable at this point and I really don't feel very desperate to binge at all. it's just not that appealing anymore... I guess when you finally realize that you always have to face it the morning after, right?

Not that I feel like I'm always going to be perfect, or that I even want that. It's just better for me to know that every few days I can relax a little. That's just what works best for me, like I think tomorrow we're getting pizza for dinner. So today I was especially good & tomorrow I will do another hour of Pilates and just have a small breakfast and 150 calorie soup for lunch. And then I'll eat the pizza and not worry about it.

I feel a little skinnier. I don't really know what the scale says @ the moment, but I've been really good & hopefully tomorrow morning it will reflect that! If not, whatever, I still think I look better.

I've actually been feeling really confident lately. And I don't want this to come off wrong, but like I'll look in the mirror and I know that I'm pretty. And even though my body isn't perfect, it's not that bad. And I've always been confident in myself as far as knowing that I'm a good person and I care about people and even though I've been hurt and I don't have alot of experience... you know what? A guy would still be pretty lucky to have me. Even if I would let that happen now, when I don't have the perfect body or whatever.

I mean, come on. It's not like I'm that dumb. I know that I could get kissed, I could get a boyfriend, I could've gone to a dance in high school. It's not that hard to get someone to make out with you. I have been asked out before, you know? Every second person on this planet is a guy. Getting fucked over by one isn't really all that amazing of an accomplishment.

So pretty much what I'm saying is... I do not and have not ever wanted a guy just because. Just so I could get my first kiss over with or just so I could go to Homecoming. And that's so okay with me now. I'm really fine with the fact that I never really bothered with high school guys... with high school in general... I'm seriously so much happier that my best guy friend from high school ended up being a teacher 10 years older than me. I found the best guy in that whole damn school and there you go... ;)

I know that I'm the luckiest ever to have figured that out and to have stuck with him those 4 years (& counting)... but I also know that he's a little bit lucky that I did, too, ha.

It's not that I'm bitter about high school, at all... it's funny 'cause I totally think that's how I come off in here, but overall it really was fine and I was basically happy and had friends and fun and all of that. I just didn't completely buy into everything about it.

This is all because I was reading this magazine (Us Weekly or Seventeen probably) - and I was just noticing how these 20-something actors say in interviews "In high school I was voted 'Best Body'" or 'Prom Queen,' or whatever, and I was just like... I'm so glad that if I'm ever in that position, where I'm listing my accomplishments, they won't include either of those titles. ew. I mean even if I had gotten them, why would you brag about that 10 years later?!

Anyway, that's just me.

I do know that however confident I am, what matters is I want a guy who is just awesome... almost as cool as Jerry, because I don't think he can ever be met or surpassed ;) ...And in order to get him, I know, for myself, that I have to have the complete confidence, which includes that missing piece I haven't had like, ever. I have to get this weight down and this body hott. haha. I don't mean that like, 'he wouldn't want me unless I was a size 2', I mean that like, 'I won't be comfortable with it until I'm comfortable with my weight,' ya know?

So I'm kinda rambling I guess, but I really, really do want a boyfriend... I want to meet a great guy at Davis and, yeah. I hope that all happens.

But I can't really get myself to completely believe it... it's hard for me to imagine a guy (that I deem worthy, lol) actually caring about me enough to be my boyfriend... to hold my hand and to take me out and all of that... I mean don't get the impression that I'm like, overly-confident or something. Yeah, definitely don't worry about that. I honestly can't even get myself to believe that a guy would ever really feel so strongly about me. Seriously. So I'm not counting on it or anything, even when I do lose the weight. It's just that then I'll actually put myself out there or whatever... I don't know. I really hope I don't sound like a bitch.

So anyway, I watched that movie "Thirteen" earlier... uh, wow. Pretty damn disturbing, even after I decided to consider them all 17 instead because fucking 7th grade?! Are you kidding me? It's just so weird how incredibly foreign all of that is to me. And that also kinda led to my whole happy about having been such a dork in high school.. and I mean that in a good way. I was (am) a good girl and still popular enough. None of that is worth it, is it? What if high school was the best time of your life? That's just the saddest thing ever I think...

But I'm kinda like that line in the John Mayer song - "I'm gonna find out just how boring I am/and have a good time"... that and the whole "room for squares" theme. Yeah, basically. But it's so much better this way, I'm very convinced :)

"I was just wondering if you'd come along,
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want
But if not, I'll go
I will go alone...

I need so to stay in your arms, see your smile, hold you close
Now it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and a bone chilling cold

I was just wondering if you'd come along
Tell me you will..."

- Dave Matthews "The Stone" Before These Crowded Streets