My life is so weird right now. It's August already and I feel like I have a million things and nothing to do at the same time. I've just been freaking out about everything lately... dorm shopping, losing weight in time, the vacation, my 1st quarter schedule that I have to figure out completely on my own from, uh, a limited # of open classes, cleaning out my room & packing, moving a million miles away in less than 2 months, what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life... etc.

Have you ever kinda lost track of time and then you get your period and you're like, oh my god well that explains everything!? That was last week. I went dorm shopping with my mom and I literally just, couldn't. I was so so incredibly overwhelmed, couldn't make any decisions whatsoever. And I was so convinced my mom was just making it hard... Yeah, I cried the entire way home. And all I bought was a small black desktop fan. That was really all I could handle lol. So I just love being a girl sometimes, achh.

Oh and another wonderful benefit of periods. F..ing with my weightloss. I was pretty good last week w/ eating & I completely stuck to my Pilates schedule, and the scale went back up to like 159 anyway, and I know that's not 'real', but it's still hard. I think now I'm back in the 157-158 range again, blah. But that's okay I won't take the scale too seriously and I'm staying very much on track - today was really good diet-wise, & I did Pilates for an hour. :)

I can already kinda see results from the Pilates. My stomach especially seems somewhat longer & tighter... When you're consistent with it I think it really works out, so that's cool. I think it will help alot, and I like that even if I do mess up with the eating part I don't fall completely off track, you know?

So I have to figure out my entire 1st quarter schedule by myself :( It's kinda my fault since I didn't go to the summer orientation thing, but still. It really doesn't help my massive insecurity about this school, and college in general. The thing is, I just don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'm undeclared now and don't really know where I'm going major-wise. Communication, psychology maybe. But what the hell am I going to do with a fucking liberal arts degree?! I'll probably have to go to grad school anyway (great) so it doesn't really matter I guess, but... I wish I had some sort of idea. I wish I really, really wanted to do something specific and that I had figured it out awhile ago & then went to the right school for it, not just some random school in the middle of nowhere (I'm exaggerating) for no apparent reason (still exaggerating, but really..)

I just don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to work at a magazine, like be a beauty/fashion editor or something. But I don't know if I want to live in New York my entire life. A year or two definitely... forever though? Part of me wants to like, move back (well, sorta 'back') to Nebraska and teach high school. Or be a psychologist. Or stay in California. Or major in French and move to Paris, ha. Ahhh I just have no idea.

I know I don't have to decide all this right now, but I feel pretty lost anyway. Have any of you guys been thru this? Is it just me?

So to stay sane I wrote out my September 1st deadline last night. I have to be basically done w/ dorm shopping (atleast the major stuff, details are okay for Sept.), have my room & bathroom cleaned out, and... weigh 140. Which will be the hardest part of that :

I really want September to be a little (alot) less stressful than all this. I want to just go (clothes) shopping, finish little details w/ the dorm stuff, do my Pilates, lose the last (hopefully) few pounds, mentally prepare, say goodbyes, etc.

I miss Jerry lots. I think I'll visit him @ school at the beginning of September to say hi and tell him I'm taking him out to lunch or something in a couple weeks to say goodbye... :*( No, but the thing is, saying goodbye will be good for us in a way. Because it gives us an opportunity for a different kind of friendship, you know? And better too, hopefully :)

"Sara's friend she lost her mind
He left a note...
You fear I won't be far behind
Thinking I'll be the next to leave
I know I might be anxious
But I'm still not crazy

And I don't need another kind of green to know
I'm on the right side
I'm on the right side with you

I used to be the one to sulk
Crying alone to sad songs
But then we go and hit the wall
When nothings changed, nothing's wrong
It's not the perfect hand
But I don't hit on nineteen

And I don't need another kind of green to know
I'm on the right side
I'm on the right side with you
Someday you'll drift away from me
Adopt some new philosophy
That doesn't keep the two of us in mind
Move into someone else's place
And stare in truth in other's eyes
And slowly only come to realize

That you didn't need another kind of green to know
I'm on the right
Mine was the right side
I'm on the right side with you."

- John Mayer "Another Kind of Green"