So my birthday was pretty fun. Didn't really do that much, just family stuff and fireworks and presents and everything... then I just got back from Lara's where we watched Kill Bill and she got me all this cute scrapbooking stuff, which was really sweet... our kinda emotional/fake/slightly issue-ridden friend (I just don't know. I can never really get the girl... she's nice, but, yeah don't know) came to say happy birthday and ended up staying later than me... but she's leaving in a couple days for uh, boot camp! Wow, yeah. I don't really get it, she's so girly and Abercrombie and blonde, beachy... hmmm. And Brooke was supposed to hang out with us too, but she had to leave really early for vacation/visiting family until the end of July. So there you go. Now I'm down to... one friend at home for the rest of this whole damn month! Yeah, Jerry too, but who am I kidding with that anyway?

No, I'm going to visit him on, mmmm Wednesday, I think? I can't wait to see him! But I'm also sort of afraid he isn't expecting to see me again for like.. a long time. I mean I had brought up the concert thing, but of course he never called, and when we said goodbye the day after graduation he was all final about it, like with the thank you for everythings and have a great summer, etc etc. and my personal favorite part, the lovely hug he gave me (#4 I believe it was, ha). So. But whatever, forget that. I've been wanting to talk to him forever. I just miss him so much you know? It's fine, why am I such a dork about this? I know he likes me, I know we get along really well, there's lots to talk about, it's great. :)

I was so upset about the whole Kelsie thing last night... oh my gosh. And for some reason I even had a little bit of hope that she would come over or atleast call to say happy birthday. But of course that didn't happen. I think it's just so hard because I have never had alot of friends who I could completely open up to and have real conversations with, you know? Like, ever. And then two that I did have are basically completely gone. Leaving, I guess, Brenna, who is a million miles away for another month+. And when you lose someone who you can tell everything to... you sort of lose a part of yourself in a way... It does feel like that.

But I'm just going to move on. I have to. I might call her one more time, after awhile, maybe to say goodbye before I leave. I don't know.

So I am moving on. There's the last time I'm going to dwell on that I think. Now it's on to work on the friendships I do have. Lara, and Jerry. And Brooke and Brenna when they get back home. Definitely more important now.

That's seriously the mindset now. I'm going to focus on this exercising and getting in shape and everything else that goes with that... I'm going to get better, just in every way :) One day at a time right? Ohh such a dork. Whatever...

I just have to work on this. Tomorrow. And everyday from then on. 5½ weeks until New York -> 20 lbs? maybe? That's what we're working on now atleast. :) One dayyyy at a time. yes.

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself...

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on the corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her is she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved...

Tap on my window
Knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful..."

- Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved" Songs About Jane

i know i've used this song before... it just had the "18" lyrics & i heard it like 12 times today :)