Today was my last day being 17! Isn't that a weird thought? I don't know why it is, just, hmm. Actually I just realized that I'm really glad that 17 is over, it was probably the hardest year ever for me. Yeah...

So here's to 18 being really, really good, okay? I'm going to lose weight, get in shape, work on myself and my friendships... I am just all about this birthday :)

I worked on my '50 things I want to do' list last night... almost done :) I just take it so seriously, like I actually really, really want to do everything on there, so everything has to be realistic but still important to me... and sometimes there's stuff you think you should want to do, but when you consider it for a second... actually you really don't. Like see the 7 wonders of the world, or climb Mt. Everest, or go skydiving. I actually don't really care if I do any of that. So... it's just fun for some reason. I just went all out on stuff I want to happen like getting kissed in the rain and owning a Chanel purse. I'm fully not like philosophical at all and it's just completely selfish. Whatever, it's my damn list! haha

You know what has been killing me the past couple days? So last year Kelsie came over on my birthday and brought me brownies and balloons and flowers and this card she made with our inside jokes and a bunch of pictures of us on it... and I found the card yesterday in my room, and it was just like... I don't have that anymore. She's not going to come over tomorrow and give me a hug and tell me happy birthday, you know? We're just never going to be best friends again. And then last night I was looking for this old copy of Seventeen with Mandy Moore's list of things she wants to do in life (for ideas of course) and I stumbled across our huge binder from last summer where we planned out this business we were going to start together after college... it was sooooooo hard to look through that. I miss her alot... I know she hurt me but I keep thinking, maybe I should've tried harder, you know? But I think I lost her to Michele way before I even realized it.

I just miss her so much... she was the closest I ever came to a real best friend... she probably was a real best friend anyway... I hate this, I hate this so much. I hate that I'm sitting here crying about losing a friend... And she never called me back. And I guess there's nothing I can do anymore... I just so want to talk to her again and be friends again. But I don't know if I can ever do that. ughhhhh happy birthday, huh?

"We’re pushing on
We’re passing through
And it won’t be long
'Til I walk with you
But tonight I’m down
I’m inside out
Staring at the pictures
In the album you forgot about

Isn't it a shame
Times have changed
But isn’t it strange
Lifelines stay the same

We’re never where we want to be
But that’s okay with me
That's just the way it is, she says
It feels like maybe
But you’re my history
Brother I’ve rediscovered you...

Round and round
Can’t believe my heart is waiting this long
All along we’ve been children
In a cold world where wonder was lost
Everyday
And if love was a compass
Oh I’ve lost my way..."

- John Mayer "Lifelines"