I really accomplished basically nothing today. I got up late (10:15), got dressed (still don't really know why I bothered), watched TV (alot of TLC - "A Dating Story," "A Makeover Story," "Second Chance," etc. and an episode of Ellen I'd already seen). I got the mail. I ate too much. My dad called & asked what I'd been doing all day and I lied and said "I had to go to the bank and stuff..." which isn't really a lie, 'cause I do have to go to the bank. I didn't, of course, actually go however. I did go to the grocery store w/ my mom later on, just because I figured if I actually put on makeup and jeans (wow) I might as well go out.

So as little as I got done today, (do I really have anything to get done anyway though?) a couple of weird things did happen...

At like 11:30 this morning I was in my bathroom putting on my makeup when my cell phone rang and the caller ID said Michele... I answered, but it was just really muffled and staticy... I couldn't tell if she was actually talking to me or if her phone just dialed my number (she doesn't have the flip style phone so yeah that happens). Eventually it just disconnected, so I hung up and didn't call back or anything. I don't think she meant to call me. It's her birthday. I did send her a card. I don't really know why... it's not that I can't let go of these (former ?) friends, it's just that it's hard for me to act like we never were anything at all or something... I don't know. That kinda leads to the next story.

So you know how I mentioned a couple days ago that I had called Kelsie and left a message on her cell? She never called back... I didn't really read much into it, I thought maybe she had already left for her trip or something, I don't know. But driving to the grocery store guess who I saw? Yeah. She was driving in the same area, maybe going to work or shopping I guess. It was just weird. I don't mean to overanalyze it or anything, but why didn't she call me back? Was it like a conscious decision? Is she mad at me? Does she never want to talk to me again? Did she just not get the message? Which would be random... why not? Ahhh.

This is so fucking weird. I didn't do anything to these girls... now I don't know if Michele meant to call me or if Kelsie meant to not call me. God. I should just completely let them go, huh? I was resisting that... I don't really know why. I just realize more and more how we did, at some point, have real friendships...

The hardest thing is how much history I have with both of them. I mean right now I really have 4 friends. Brenna (who is gone for 2 more months, which kills me), Brooke, Lara, and Jerry. And among them... I mean I really just became good friends with Brooke and Lara this year. And Brenna I've been friends with since middle school but we only became really close this year. And Jerry... kinda the same story, ha. I mean for 4 yrs we have always talked and been friends to some extent, but really those last few days of school, 4 hours talking together, all the hugs. Really. So it's funny... how excited I was about those days with Jerry. I mean, that was kinda my high school dream come true in a way... the only ones who completely get that are Kelsie and Michele. You read how happy I was. I so wanted to be able to tell them about it... And I felt like I couldn't, which hurt so much... They just are the only ones who have been there since the beginning of that and I so wanted to just run over to them and scream "He took me out to lunch!!! Aaaah!"

But I never got to do that, with anyone. I mean I told Brenna, and she met him at Grad Night and it was great, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't as much as it would have been, I guess. Blah.

But I guess there's nothing I can do anymore. I mean as important as our history together is... it totally isn't enough to rebuild the friendship. So I guess you just count your losses and move on. Work on the friendships you do have. So I'll do that then.

I went out with Lara last night. See... I did learn from everything that happened. I'm working so much harder with my newer friendships. I want to hang out with Lara and Brooke as much as possible this summer. And when Brenna gets back it's going to be all about her too. And I will go visit Jerry in a week or so, and even when he tells me he can't go to the concert, I will still visit him again. And I will take him out to dinner right before I leave and I will get his email and I will keep talking to him. And I will visit him every time I come home.

Maybe that sounds desperate and clingy and like I'm trying too hard. But I know it's not that he doesn't want to hang out with me. We get along wonderfully :) And we have fun together and we can talk for hours. And he mentioned matching up our Christmas breaks a few times in a couple days... ;)

Yeah, I mean that's really all I can do now. I know for sure that I want to stay friends with Brenna and Jerry, and I will do that. I'm not completely sure if I will with Brooke and Lara yet. I'll find out this summer and then go from there... I mean, I know everyone says they'll stay friends after high school & it rarely works out, but I know I will with the people I decide to, just because I know myself. So. But I do want to see them (Kelsie & Michele) before I leave, and say goodbye. And I know this is shallow, but... I'm kinda looking forward to being skinny and hot so they can be a little jealous... they deserve that atleast I think. ha.

Also looking forward to saying goodbye to Jerry being skinny and hot. Yeah just because that would feel really, really good. For me I mean. Being confident enough (I'm almost there, it's really just the weight thing) to go see him and just say "I'm taking you out to dinner to say goodbye, so tell me when you're not busy and we'll go." :)

I love and hate that that's not for like 3 months. I have almost 30 lbs to lose... but I don't really know, sometimes I feel like it's more like 20. I'll just have to figure that out as I go along. So I just need to start going along...

You know what's weird? I'm going to be 18 in a week, so all these things I haven't experienced yet (first kiss, date, boyfriend) the earliest they will be is "when I was 18." Yeah they better all be when I'm 18. :) I guess it doesn't really matter, it's not something I'm obsessed with or anything, I'm much more concerned with finding someone good enough to kiss, date, etc. That sounds really snobby but you know what I mean. Whatever, I'm gonna focus on myself instead.

"Do you think just like that
You can divide this
You as yours, me as mine
To before we were us?

Indigo is his own
Blue always knew this...
If the rain has to separate
From itself
Does it say "pick out your cloud?"

- Tori Amos "Your Cloud" Scarlet's Walk

weird how relevant that is, didn't even think about it... huh.