New layout! Well kinda, new picture & colors atleast. Much more summery... I think it's cute. And a new entry, so there's one before this from yesterday if you didn't already read it... just 'cause I'm updating alot more than I was before! :)

So I called Brooke, Lara, and Kelsie today. Just left Kels a message on her cell, something like "just called to say hi, I know we haven't talked in awhile but I didn't want you to think that's because I don't want to talk to you, hope you're having a good summer, call me back if you get a chance," etc. That was this a.m. and she didn't call back or anything, but that's totally fine. I just needed to kinda make the first move & then I won't have anything to regret if we never talk again. :

But I talked to Brooke and Lara and I think we're going to do something tomorrow night/this weekend, which I'm very happy about. I think we're pretty much all working though, so that should be interesting to plan.

I want to see "the Notebook" ... I'm just very much in the mood to see a ridiculously romantic, good cry movie I guess. Maybe if I like it I'll read the book, I need some summer reading anyway.

That would be weird tho, if Kelsie just didn't call back. (Wow, very stream-of-consciousness there.) It's okay though, I did what I had to... I was really honest in her yearbook. Not mean at all, just laid it all out for her I guess. And then I didn't hang out with them at all @ the senior events or grad night, so... whatever. I'm just the kinda girl who is really loyal and that's why it's hard for me to throw away 5+ years of friendship, even though the last part wasn't very good at all. Ugh in my yearbook she said something about how we "grew apart." ohhh right, that's how that happened is it? 'Cause I thought it was something more like you dropped me for everyone else, lied, and just kept me along as something like a 'convenience friend' so you wouldn't have to feel bad about anything... hmmm...

It's fine though, if we talk about it next week or someday in the future, great, if we just move on forever, great. And if the next time we see eachother is @ our 10 year reunion and we act like nothing ever happened, well that's great too.

Ahhh it's just weird to me. That I could freaking travel to Europe and New York with this girl, tell her everything, almost have plans to start a business together after college... not even a year ago... and now we're what? I don't even know. Is it okay that that's weird? Shouldn't it be? Why isn't it to anyone else?

I was actually kinda mad at Jerry this morning. I was thinking, okay love I was nice enough to invite you to this concert... if you can't go, the least you could do is call me for 2 seconds and tell me that. He's just totally planning on leaving me like this, huh? Ummm what if I have to find someone else to go with when you can't? I get that it's probably kinda awkward calling your (former) student and telling her you can't go to a concert with her, but whatever, that's BS... 'cause atleast by this year we're sooo past that... whatever, we were not ever typical teacher/student, and I think he's even told me that before. That's not the reason. He's just a dork... haha I'm not really mad. I'll go yell at him next week & he'll redeem his sweetness :) I'm sure he'll feel bad, and I'll be sarcastically like... yeah, you should, and then we'll laugh and be fine :) But really couldn't he just call?

So is anyone else ready for a boyfriend? I was watching "Newlyweds" and "Ashlee Simpson" (is that what it's called? She's so cute) last night, and anyway, I just really wanted to be watching it on the couch with a guy... I'm such a dork, picturing that. But it's okay. I mean I really don't want to go off to college with a boyfriend back home or anything, I guess I just want someone to hold onto sometimes... I mean this is really lame, and I'm only confessing it here, but I'm going to be 18 in less than 2 weeks, right? Well here you go. I have still never been kissed, never been on a date, never had a boyfriend. Here is the closest I have ever come... all of my hugs with Jerry (like 4 or 5 total ever, and yes he is the only guy who has ever given me a real hug... that doesn't count other teachers or generally people much older 'cause who cares?). And Jerry taking me out to lunch is the closest to a date I've ever been (yeah and that was like last week, lol).

Ohhh my God. That's just so pathetic. You would think I was incredibly ugly or a complete loser or something... which I'm really not, God I just can't come up with any other explanation... just that I never actually tried with high school guys. Even to be friends with them. It was never really worth it to me to put the effort in, I really had like one real guy friend aside from Jerry, and it's not like we ever did anything outside of school. I guess I just didn't bother. Not that I regret that at all... They just had basically zero appeal to me, so. I stayed with my 24->28 yr old guy ;) It was worth it. I'm fine with that... If our friendship really works out, none of that will ever matter to me at all. Yeah and even if it doesn't. It's probably so much better that I didn't get too invested in high school guys, lol. Jerry was the one I was meant to be so preoccupied with, I know that.

I still want an older guy. I think I always will. Really I'm not even that depressed about my lack of kisses & dates & boyfriends... I really just want someone to hold onto...

It's okay if that doesn't happen right away I guess. This summer is supposed to be all about me & losing weight & becoming better and all of that, right? That is fine then... really.

"Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do...

But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go...

A glowing ember
Burning hot, burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you..."

- Sarah McLachlan "Do What You Have to Do" Surfacing