So... life isn't perfect right now. Not that it ever was, but, yeah things are pretty bad. I think it's just a low point for me. But I'll be okay... I just need to move on, I'm so ready for graduation (in 2 months). It's actually really profound, and I know it sounds lame, but this is such a major time in my life and I'm glad I atleast realize it. Everything is completely changing, and that's always hard, but this time I'm absolutely sure it's for the better (basically because I don't think it could get worse..!)

But I can tell that I'm getting ready to like... grow up and change and be myself and figure out what that is and everything else that comes with it, just because I feel like I've been held back for awhile and now it's my turn. Well not quite now, but in a couple months ;)

It's hard to explain, but all of the sudden I'm really starting to think about it all. Like how I want to (& am being forced to) completely break off most of my friendships and also random stuff like seriously work on myself & losing weight, read books, see movies, write, meet new people, do more dancing, buy new clothes, kiss a guy, try acting, etc. etc.

Crazy! huh? Pretty cool tho. I can't wait for school to end..!

Except for Jerry, because I'll miss him to death, and he's seriously like the only reason I smile these days... but it's okay. I'll maybe figure something out where I get to see him sometimes. I don't think I can totally move on without that, ironically! :)

But anyway, I guess the thing I should've mentioned before all this is that my friends (spec. Kelsie, Michele, Nicole & now Courtney) have been making it incredibly clear that I'm really not in with them anymore. In the past like, week, they've all been to the beach, shopping, hanging out, planning things, getting Prom dates, and probably alot of other things together that I haven't figured out yet. And obviously I've been completely left out of all of this. Not that I ever was really included (this year) I guess, but I suppose maybe now they're just alot more open with it whereas they used to lie to me? Awesome. It's really insane to me, I completely don't understand, but to them I guess it's nothing... like today I found out (by overhearing as I stood there with them, not like they would actually tell me this stuff) that either Nicole or Courtney (their friend from middle school who is suddenly back in the pic. all the time) set Kelsie up with this guy and she went on her first date yesterday. Kels (my supposed best friend) never mentioned it to me. And even after they all talked about it while I stood there listening, she has since never said a word to me. It's ridiculous.

I mean I can't pretend to be a part of something that I've been so obviously cut out of for so long now anymore... it's pathetic. And I think they handled it incredibly immaturely and pretty much as insensitive and mean as possible, but, you know, I can't do anything about that. I just have to take it and move on.

But the thing is that I kinda can't. I mean I don't have like a backup set of friends I can go to when this stuff happens... so I just kinda act like, whatever. I'm not going to be mean to them or give them the silent treatment (although I am sure they wouldn't notice), but... yeah I just don't care enough. But part of me does want them to know how I feel... We'll see. I'm just gonna try and find other things to do at break and lunch sometimes, maybe talk to other friends or go for a walk. I know that's kinda sad, but it just hurts too much to be around them all the time.

That autumn leaves fall dry and sweet
Tells me everything is not broken
No everything is not broken
If everythings not fine...

That nature rains on flames we made
Should tell you everything is not broken
No everything is not broken
If everything's not fine...

And I will find the colors in my life
The places and times it was now
And I will walk outside on my own into the light
The kind of clarity that only comes to me on Sunday's shine...

It tells me everything is not broken
No everything is not broken
If everything's is fine
And everything is fine
If everything is fine...

- John Mayer "Everything is Not Broken"