So today... was probably the most emotional, I guess, of my entire life. Long story, but I've just been really stressed lately, going from school straight to work (my new job - more about that later) to tutor french, and on top of that all of my friend issues, etc. It's just alot to get used to everyday...

So yesterday I was just really bummed about Kelsie and me because I thought she was lying to me again about her Europe trip w/ Michele, plus all of the aforementioned stress, so I just really wasn't very talkative. With her or anybody, but whatever. She apparently really took offense to that, and today at break she full on called me out on it. Kelsie... she doesn't do that. I don't think I've ever seen her outwardly mad at anyone, so I was understandably like... what?! And trying to explain to her it's just alot of things going on at once and yeah I'm upset with our friendship still, etc. and she just said "well I don't know what to do," and left. And then at lunch she basically acted like nothing happened and I was like... okay, but we need to talk. Major talking this time. And so she called me after school, and we definitely did that.

Well for one thing, I don't think I've ever cried so much at one time. I told her evvvverything. It was horrible. I felt like I was being attacked. I felt like she was blaming me for all of our problems, like everything was completely my fault, it's my fault for having no real friends in the group, my fault for apparently driving people away. She kept bringing up everyone else (like our group of friends) and I could not convince her that they're not why I get upset anymore... that for me it's really just about us two @ this point. She said that she feels like she can't hang out with anyone because I'll get mad or jealous and if we did stuff as a group I would just get upset. She said I keep her from the rest of our friends because of this. Yeah.

Except that I don't, and she does hang out with them, more than she does with me atleast! Jesus. I'm not all that jealous, actually. She can hang out with whoever the hell she wants... I'm not going to beg people to be friends with me... you get to a point when you're always the pursuer that you have to wonder why you even bother... I know, I'm sort of insecure, I thought there were obvious reasons for that. And she just says that I gave up too easily, that they don't call me because I don't call them or something. And that includes her. So, of course, it's all my fault again.

I know I made alot of mistakes... I know my insecurities kept me from some friendships that I could've had and improved on, but I just don't know... I feel like that's not even any of her business. If I'm not extremely close to Nicole or Lauren... that's just so not her problem, you know? It's not like I don't get along with them! I'm fine. If all of us hung out together, I can handle it. It's just not her place to tell me that I need to try harder to be better friends with all of them... maybe I just don't completely want to be.

YUCK. This all sucks alot. We didn't really finish our conversation because she had to leave, and I'm going to ***** tomorrow so I'll hopefully call her when I get back and we can sort through everything completely. Ugh. It also sucks how I know she's right about some things... some of it is my fault I know. It's weird. But... I am done with high school in 2 months! Oh my God, what would I do without that??