Well... things are much better! Oh my gosh. I totally feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I talked to Kelsie at lunch like I planned and basically just went through everything with her. It was so much what I needed to do. But anyway, yeah my suspicions were right. Kelsie really did invite Michele to go to England with her this summer and so their project is actually real and whatever. But I'm really fine with it, I mean we've (me & K) already been on 2 summer trips together (longer & better ones too, lol) and I mean even if she did invite me again it probably wouldn't have happened. I doubt my parents would be thrilled about paying for me to go to Europe twice in 3 years when they've never even been once! And besides, I'm already going to New York/East coast and visiting my sister up North and my relatives in the Midwest, so. It's totally fine :)

I just told her that all I wanted was to be secure enough in our friendship that things like that wouldn't matter because I always knew and felt like me & her were best friends. You know? So there's something deeper there that can't be affected like it has been lately.

I really, really hope it works out. I have a feeling that it might, too ;)

Michele is another story tho. I was thinking out loud as I was driving home from school today (I do it all the time, it's very weird but talking things out to myself seriously is like the best thing for me). And I came to a really good conclusion about her, I think. Basically I pretty much realized that our friendship is going to end with high school... not on bad terms or anything, but it's just run it's course. It would take so much to salvage it now - I mean we're good friends who hang out together at school, but I don't think we can really get very far beyond that.

So here's what I decided. Sophomore year when she found out that me & Kelsie were going to Europe that summer it was really hard for her, which now I can completely understand. See at that point me, Kelsie & Michele were pretty much equally best friends and us breaking away from that and making it 2 and 1 was I'm sure so so hard to go thru. And how she dealt with it was to choose one of us (that would be me) to blame. She needed to be mad at someone and have someone she could direct her feelings about being jealous and sad and everything else towards, and for whatever reason, she chose me over Kelsie. Obviously that wasn't the best choice and it wasn't a mature decision at all, but she was 15 years old and that was all she could think of I guess. So not that she would actually still feel the same way now, but just that she's had that idea ingrained in her for years so there's really no way she can get away from it at this point I think.

I just don't think she's mature enough to see that and be able to do certain things without hoping on some level that they hurt me. I think she still subconsciously wants to "get me back" for leaving her out, and that's why she purposely leaves me out of alot of things and then feels better about herself for it. Like when she and Kelsie do something together without me, she feels like she "wins" and she's getting back at me.

So there's my psychological analysis of Michele. It's really too bad I can't tell her all that, huh?! ;) But just me knowing it is enough. I hope someday she figures it out... dealing with jealousy by indirectly hurting other people isn't the best idea... I mean I just spent almost 2 years being the recieving party there, so. What can I do? But understanding why she does it helps.

"But oh Cinderella
All dressed up in all your boots and all your charms
I'm not the fellow
To protect you or to keep you from all your harm
And I don't know which is worse
To wake up and see the sun
Or to be the one
Be the one that's gone."

- Ryan Adams "To Be the One" Heartbreaker