I've been thinking so much lately. I hate it. I know I should probably appreciate it, maybe sometimes I do, but god it just makes me so sad. I just freaking analyze everything to death and then cry about it all... blah.

I just feel so disconnected to everything lately and I'm driving myself fucking crazy over Jerry again and it's completely my fault. I try convince myself that I can't be in love for 4 years with someone who has only ever seen me as a friend. That no, I just love him as a friend. But then he leans over me from behind and talks to me with this sexy low, quiet voice. And he puts on my favorite songs. His favorite songs. And he's tall and gorgeous and not a 17 year old boy. And he knows me and trusts me more than I understand why. And he's smart and makes me smile and calls me his dearest. But none of this means anything.

So... maybe I wish he was my best friend. Kelsie doesn't seem like she really cares about me at all sometimes and I don't know how to deal with that. It makes me feel like shit, sure, but what, am I going to beg her to love me? I don't mean to take it all so seriously. I guess I should just talk to her. It's also my fault. I'm probably too insecure to be that wonderful of a best friend either.

I want to lose weight so much more than anything else in the whole wide world and I just can't figure it out. Why is that? I think I know what to do, I just can't get it done I guess. But that's not an excuse! Or a very good one atleast.

So I kept meaning to tell Jerry about the Maroon5 CD for so long (we have the exact same taste in music. freakishly exact) and the other day he's turning on the stereo and goes, "Allie I've been meaning to tell you about this CD forever, I totally thought of you when I got it." And, yep, Maroon5. All the time, I swear. And we both get so excited about it, it's hilarious. Like awhile ago when we were talking about "Heavier Things" we kept finishing eachother's sentences and practically squealing about it, lol.

Oh, damn it. Notice how I just slip into my crazy in love w/ him mode? I'm so lame!

I think I'm avoiding the weightloss topic. I feel so lost with that, but not acceptable lost, more like lost and needing to find my way desperately. I guess I'll go think about that...

"Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
The dim of the soft lights,
The scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers,
And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
And this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
And the gate was locked so I jumped it,
And I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it..."

- Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar