1-05 edit: John Mayer is coming to Los Angeles!!!! freaking finally, he's been avoiding CA since he came here (San Diego) over the summer... I don't even care that it's 2+ hrs away and the traffic is hell... JOHN! <33

Last day of winter break... It's so weird, I feel like I changed alot over the past 2 weeks. Not like all that much happened, but maybe that's part of it?

I don't know what the hell is going on with my friends. And I don't know that I give a damn either. Really, it doesn't work. Really, me and Michele are never going to be very good friends again... I've come to terms with it and sometimes friendships play out. I mean, we've been friends for like 8 years. We used to be so alike and I think in the past couple years we've both changed so much. Which is so good, such a good thing. I'm so glad we didn't both latch on to eachother and not grow up. But I can't say that I really love being around the person she is now. Which is fine... it's supposed to be like that I think. And it's not like I hate the girl, I mean 8 years is history; part of me understands her like nobody else does. But now I think we're better off as 'aquaintance' friends... talk at school, maybe the occasional group thing... I tried so hard to bring us back but it's not meant to be. I realized that so much of my efforts there weren't because I genuinely wanted to be like best friends again. They were because I didn't want to feel left out or so I wouldn't be jealous when she did stuff with Kelsie. And that is definitely not who I want to be. Or even who I am, actually.

"Look at me, I'm growing." ;)

So I'm going to stop worrying about everybody else (Michele). This stuff just doesn't matter. It kinda sucks. But it doesn't matter.

So along with all of that, I have a better outlook on the whole weightloss thing. The thing is, what if I meet Adam Brody? Or my soulmate (although I'm convinced they are one in the same)? Or my Prom date? I'm not ready. I want to be ready. (Not just for guys, for freaking everything else too!) And I don't just mean physically I'm not skinny enough... but that it leads to basically everything else that is wrong with me (!) I'll never be able to accept this weight, and I am not going to start regretting things when I'm only 17 years old, you know? I would hate myself to think it could've been better or something, ugh! So I'm convinced that this time it's right. I'm going to focus everything into it... I don't have to get into the details or the plan or anything... I guess just expect this diary to finally get back to actually being about weightloss hopefully! :)

I am making a list of rewards though, for every 5 lb. loss until 128 (the goal for now, but it seems kinda low so I might adjust). That's exciting. I really want them, lol. I think I am also going to make a big collage or notebook or something of "why I am losing weight." Because my reasons are very random, but really triggering, you know? Anyway.

So what the hell, Britney? (I am sure you've all heard, but just in case, read this) I'm thinking it was a Ross and Rachel kinda thing... drunk atleast... but less funny. :) But I'm so happy Katie Holmes and Chris Klein got engaged, they're so cute.

"from the very first moment I saw you
that's when I knew
all the dreams I held in my heart
suddenly coming true
knock me over stone cold sober
not a thing I could say or do
but baby when I'm walking with you now
my eyes are so wide
like you reached right into my heart
and turned on the light inside."

- David Gray "Be Mine" A New Day at Midnight