So I actually did end up crawling into my bed and crying (see last entry). But instead of Sarah McLachlan I listened to my compilation of sad John Mayer/Dave Matthews/Sarah McLachlan songs. As if it weren't sad enough to actually have a CD like that, wow.

It's just so hard and I feel like I've already been through this 10 times this year alone, you know?

I can't believe that I can remember three separate times I've cried at school in like FOUR MONTHS. The first was the first day of school when I found out that Michele had a beach party the weekend before and invited everybody except me. I found out at break and went to third period basically blinking tears back like crazy and pretending like I had allergies or something. And the second was with the dance and nobody including me and a whole bunch of other crap w/ that. It was during lunch and I actually went to the bathroom and cried in a stall until the bell rang. And this past time I went to psychology and basically the second the lights went out to take notes off the overhead tears were streaming down my face.

How freaking sad am I? I feel like such a loser... why do I put up with this? God I swear the only thing I will miss about high school will be J. (the teacher). I just hope people aren't this fucked up in college.

It probably sounds like I am being way oversensitive, which I probably am, but I honestly would expect anyone who went through the shit I have to be the same way. I don't know.

Well what happened this time I determined really only has to do with Kelsie (my so-called best friend), which makes it more bearable. Basically we have to do 15 hrs of community service for school and we had always planned on doing it together (& we'd done some already) thru this club we're in together. And then on friday I found out she did a couple hours without me but with this other girl in the club. She wasn't planning on telling me either. It would have been just as easy to call me up really quick and say 'hey, we're going to do this, if you want to come meet us there.' You know? And I pretty much gave her the cold shoulder after that because, I mean, what the hell. Plus about the same time I found out that Kelsie, Michele & Nicole all went shopping together, also without me. They all bought matching underwear or something like that. Jesus. And then today I called Kels to ask what we were going to do about the rest of our hours (I had @ this pt. decided to get over what she did before)... then she tells me that yesterday she went with Michele to clean up fire stuff for 6 hours so she's pretty much done. What the hell is that? Who acts like this?! Leaving me out of fucking COMMUNITY SERVICE??? Can we please grow the hell up, children?

I just don't understand, because it all seems like it's so on purpose, you know? Like I'm sure it crossed her mind to call me (and if it didn't, that's just as bad). It wasn't even last minute, either. She found out about it on Friday. Ugh, what the hell!

What kind of best friend (person, really) treats others like that? What was she thinking? And get this, after she told me this she was like "but I was thinking, you could do this other thing everyday..." Like, oh you're so sweet, thinking of other things I can do by myself. Thaaaanks. So I just said completely monotone, "Okay. I'll do that then. Talk to you later I guess." and I hung up before she could respond. Hopefully she got the hint. I think the tone said it all... ugh, ew, Kelsie, why are you acting like this.

So tomorrow I'll say something to her. I think I'm more mad than sad now. That's actually a good thing I think. Thanks for listening!

"When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships,
We sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
...
And every word I didn't say
That got caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before
And every sunset that we'll miss,
I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this
When I sail away..."

- Train "When I look to the Sky" My Private Nation

I don't know... I just adore this song. The kitchen floor lyric makes my eyes a little misty ;)