10/31 edit: Happy Halloween! :) have fun/be safe

I seriously did nothing today. I got up, took a shower, and spent the rest of the day in my pajamas on the couch watching TV.

I watched the first 2 episodes of Dawson's Creek (I've only ever seen like 2 or 3 total), and they were so cute! I totally would have been hooked if it hadn't started when I was in like 6th grade, lol. But I watched the final episode last year, so I know how it all ends up. I loved how they said Joey and Dawson were absolutely soulmates, but how that doesn't automatically mean they should be romantically involved. That's what I always thought... I think your soulmate could be your mom, best friend, brother, teacher, or it could be your potential husband/wife. Hmmm I like that thought.

Anyway I also watched Saved by the Bell (quite possibly the greatest show ever, except that it makes you cringe in embarassment about 80% of the time). And I caught Growing Pains, which I also love.

Last night was The O.C. I thought it was really, really good, actually. I was thisclose to kissing the screen whenever Adam Brody (Seth) came on tho... god damn. Sexy, sexy, sexy.

And tonight is Friends, Scrubs, and Will & Grace (& it used to be that + Queer Eye and Newlyweds).

I watch waaaay too much TV, huh? It's just the whole unexpected week off from school I guess. I usually don't watch this much! Mostly just Friends a couple times a day, sometimes Will & Grace, Gilmore Girls tuesdays, NBC thursdays, and The O.C. wednesdays now. Plus I watch music videos when I can. Yeah that's alot. As long as I get everything else done I guess!

All day I've been thinking about that feeling of being pressed up against a guy... I guess especially a guy you really want... and how your heart beats and your stomach feels, like you're on a roller coaster in the dark at the moment it slows down and you don't know whether you're going to drop 100 feet or 2, but you just close your eyes and fall anyway. I've only ever experienced that once but sometimes certain things make me recapture feelings, and I've been stuck on it all day. When it happened to me there was no chance of a kiss, he was just pulling me in for a hug, but I had never been that close to him, or any guy for that matter. And I haven't since. And that was practically 3 years ago. But I'm sure it was the best feeling I've ever had, probably because I loved him so much (& still do).

I want that so much. And I know that you're not supposed to because when you do it'll never happen. But I just crave it, and even more with someone who I can kiss. I can't believe that I'm 17 and I've never been kissed. Rachel (older sister) kissed in like, middle school I think. And Matt (little brother, 14) has a girlfriend. And I'm seventeen. I can't do that anymore... it's too crazy.

I think it's because it was cold and windy and dark today. Wintery weather. It'll last for a day, I know, but it's just that feeling like it's going to be the holidays... and it's going to be scarves and cold noses and hot chocolate and fires and Christmas presents and family and Norah Jones music and... And I just love that. And I just wish I didn't have to add the 'feeling 1000x more alone' to that list. 'Cause I always do. It's so much worse in fall and winter...

Now that I'm all depressed! Oh well, I guess if I want it, I have to work on it. I really just have to lose what, 25 lbs? And do my pilates. And then I'll look hot and I'll be confident and then it could happen... then it might. And I could ask someone to Winter Ball (it's Sadie Hawkins style).

I'm really not the girl who complains about everything and does nothing... so why am I not doing this? It's the thing I want most, right? I will do something, I promise. I think it would be counterproductive to start over on Halloween, so November 1st is everything right now. Pilates everyday + just dieting. Nothing particular, I know what to do... I just can't eat this much. That leaves me like 2 months before Christmas, or atleast before I spend Christmas money (on clothes) ;) So I have to lose more than 10 lbs a month, which is scary but last time I did lose that in 3 weeks.

It just has to happen is all. I'm running out of time, and that scares me so much. I just have to work on it, and I know that I can and I know that I will this time. It's not that I can't eat stuff that I like, I'll just tell my mom not to buy any junk food and if I'm craving something enough to actually go out and buy it myself, I just have to only get a single serving. And I just have to face it that that's the way it has to be, and that there's no way I can be completely happy! Which is fine. I can't eat everything I want and still be happy with my body, or the opposite of that either. It kinda sucks but lots of things do and I just have to deal with that! I would so much rather be hot and confident and happy and 'boyfriended' w/o virgin lips than fat and loserly sitting at home eating. Ya know? There's really no contest :) It's not like I can give up, either. If I eat too much at some point then I just make up for it later & keep going. And I have to keep that mindset, which is the hardest thing, but I definitely have the ability to do that.

"I'm dressed all in blue
And I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore
When you broke my heart
...
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around
So come around."

- Rhett Miller "Come Around" The Instigator