Oh, God. So I don't think I have any friends right now... But whatever... it's not like any of them really give a damn about me! Or so I've realized!

See, there's this dance Saturday, where you just get dressed up crazy & go w/ your friends (no dates). I don't really know why but for some reason I kinda don't want to go, and my best friend Kelsie wasn't really sure either. We talked about it a few times and I basically just said "but if do you want us to go, that's cool too." She never showed any real desire to go, whenever I asked her she always just said "I'll see how busy I am this week..." or something like that, but then today Nicole came up to us @ lunch and said she needed to know if we were going because she was making dinner reservations, and Kelsie just said "yeah I'm going... oh that reminds me I have to go buy my ticket." Um, okay. Then she looks at me like "are you coming?" So I just tell Nicole "I don't know if I'm going" & wait in line with Kels saying nothing the whole time.

Okay, fine, whatever, she wants to go & didn't tell me, that's great. But she doesn't even care at all that I'm probably not. She doesn't try to convince me to come with (nobody does). She doesn't mention if she even wants me there... nothing. You guys, I am her (supposed) best friend and she doesn't care even a little bit about going to a dance without me. Either way, she's just like whatever.

I really feel loved...

And it's not only this... she never calls me. When I called her last weekend she was going to do a little homework & then call me right back. Never did. When I asked her about it on Monday she said she got distracted by the new scanner her dad bought. She wasn't even remotely appologetic.

I am slightly less important to my best friend than a computer accessory.

I told her I was considering taking the SATs again in October & she says "yeah I already signed up a while ago." Stuff like that, all the time. And it's not like she's all that busy. And it's not like she's hanging out with any other friends.

I'm not mad at her, if that's what you think. I'm just sad that I really don't have any friends who care about me. I'm just disappointed that my best friend couldn't care less if I went to the dance. But I can't be mad at her for that. I can't be mad because someone doesn't care about me, what am I gonna do, force them to? It's just depressing, that's all.

Am I antisocial or something? I just keep thinking that if I go, it'll just be a pain. And if I don't I'll probably be jealous of everyone who does. What is wrong with me? Damn.

At least I have Heavier Things... what would I do without it? It is getting me through :) And I'm trying to lose weight but the past 2 days haven't been great. Today's been good though. Blehhh. I think John Mayer is the only one who gets me.

"When autumn comes
It doesn't ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass
Around your summer heart."

- John Mayer "Something's Missing" Heavier Things