I hate regret. I hate feeling like I made a big mistake that's going to make me question everything now.

I should have taken AP English this year. I have always taken honors, always gotten As, and I got really close to perfect 800s on the English part of the SATs and SAT 2s. What was I thinking?

I guess I wanted an easier senior year or something... Here's a word of advice, don't make slacker decisions. Now when I don't get into any of the colleges I want to, I will know it's because I didn't take AP English.

And even if it isn't, I will always think it was. And anyway, I hate that I'm not being pushed in English. I hate feeling like such a damn slacker. It would be hard but I should have that. And it's too late. Ugh.

Anyway, what can I do? Well, I can lose weight for one thing. It's just getting so old... I figure if I'm not going to do something, I should just do nothing and leave it at that. But I could never follow through with that idea, so, well, there you go.

I have been trying to analyze my eating, because I figure it can't all be just because I like the taste of it, you know? I noticed that I let myself get so hungry that when I get home from school I'm starving and then once I start I pretty much don't really stop. It just turns into a compulsion, and I think the habit just comforts me.

That's so bad... I think it's the worst thing, when food is your comfort like that. It's understandable though. Considering all of my issues with guys & friends. Music & food are my rocks, ya know?

I can always, always count on John Mayer and ice cream... ha.

But that's horrible because how can you break that? How am I going to replace that comfort? I guess that's the question.

I suppose I could replace it with exercise. The only exercise I don't hate is dance, though. I guess that's better than nothing, maybe.

And I think I should just completely try to cut out packages w/ more than one serving size of all my "trigger foods" [potato chips, cookies, ice cream, candy, crackers] that I always overeat. I am lucky that my mom will pretty much not buy any of this if I tell her I don't want it in the house. I should also drink tons more water. I think that's really important for me because it gives me something to do with my mouth [dirty!] that's not eating. If I constantly have a water bottle in hand, maybe I won't be so inclined to be constantly snacking.

I think as far as a diet, I might do my own version of the 90/10 plan. All that is is 950 calories of healthy food & a 250 calorie junk food snack [=1200].

God, I just don't want to fail at this one. I think I just have to be strong and not make it 'diet-y' ... no starting over or anything.

It's so funny but listening to Heavier Things is really inspiring for this. I guess it's because it makes me ache for a guy as sweet as JM, which makes me realize I will never have that until I'm thin. God, this CD is like the story of my life... I have never been able to fully relate to a CD before, but totally I can with this one. I just love every little detail. The way he sings the word 'circle' in "Homelife." The whole concept of "Something's Missing" ['I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness' - that song summarizes how I feel 90% of the time]. 'On behalf of every guy/looking out for every girl' [*sigh* - "Daughters"]. The airport-rose reference in "Wheel." The 'oooh's' in "Clarity." :) Just everything about it, similar personalities & viewpoints or something.

And what girl's heart doesn't break in "Homelife" when he sings 'I can tell you this much/I will marry just once/and if it doesn't work out/I'll give her half of my stuff/it's fine with me/we said eternity/I will go to my grave/with the love that I gave" ?! awww!

But anyway, I'm gonna really start this thing on Monday, and John's gonna get me through it. I will do it for him. :) And I will also do it for everything on the [revised] list of REASONS that I am making here. It's happening this time. Oh and Christina, I wish you lived down here, we would so be best friends :)

"You know I used to be the back porch boy
With my book of lines always open
Hopin' all the time about it
I’m probably never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For heavier things."

- John Mayer "New Deep" Heavier Things