So Michele and I are good again. I know that's probably the last thing you expected me to say after that last entry, but basically she just approached me & said she was afraid & didn't know how to act around me after the letters... I don't think she was really coming from an intentionally mean place doing that. I doubt she was sincerely trying to hurt me by not inviting me to the party, so that's why I just decided to not hold it against her anymore.

She's so different this year. That girl is a different person... And I think honestly I'm a major cause of this.

Pretty much I think she felt like she had to get my approval on what she said, thought, wore, liked, etc. for quite awhile. Why, I have no clue, 'cause in reality it bothered me most when she copied my style! (She used to literally buy the exact same clothes as me & that kinda stuff). But I think this past summer she made a resolution not to try so hard for my sake or just to not care what I think anymore (not that I ever really did - just her perception & insecurity).

So to be completely honest... I am so jealous of that. She seems so confident these days. Today she wore an outfit that she never would've last year. (It was just a baseball cap, a black tshirt & jean shorts, but she had the hat in that crooked way & all & was wearing black punk bracelets too...) She just def. had the attitude down. Like she wasn't going to let anyone think she looked funny or something. Hats = confidence, in my opinion. I thought she looked really cute, an outfit I would totally wear if I had the confidence to (& you know, if you disregard that she already wore it lol).

But, God, I'm so jealous of her now. I hate admitting that. I think the tables have turned a bit... she has forever been really jealous of me & now I think she's pretty much not! Ugh. She's exactly who I wanted to be this year, that's what sucks!

Not that I'm mad at her... just at myself. I think she lost some weight too. She's always been sorta chubby but in a cute way, I can't really tell if she has lost tho. Maybe like 10 lbs or something. It's okay though, because she'll always have the cute baby fat thing...

But see I have never had that, like chubby cheeks or anything. It's just like I have a layer of fat over a fairly tall, basically 'lean' body. Which is exactly why I should lose weight! I don't have exceptionally big legs, hips, stomach, arms, etc. Everything's in the same proportion, when I was skinny it was too... a good thing.

Wow I didn't see this coming, being jealous of her like this. She became much more outgoing & social too. She's been to a couple parties w/ Nicole. Dammmn. I bet she'll get a boyfriend this year. Atleast go to a few dances, I'm sure. I can't believe she's the girl that came back different. Weird.

But that just makes me feel more like I need to make a change. I really do need to deal with this by just going hard core into something. Some kind of plan. To seriously get as close as I can to perfect. I don't want to just lose 10 lbs. and look a little better. I really want this. I will come up with a plan and I will do it.

I mean... the process will probably suck (diet & exercise that is) but, what the hell... Physics homework also sucks, but I do that every night. ;)

I'm gonna do this...

"I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime"

- Gavin DeGraw "More Than Anyone" Chariot