Well, today was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life.

And I knew it would be. When I was getting dressed this morning, my anklet broke and fell off. And I sort of just laughed and thought, huh, that seems kinda prophetic. First day of school & all.

So it turns out high school friendships basically do suck, generally, I suppose. Remember how I wrote Michele a letter this summer apologizing for our messy friendship & she wrote back just kinda saying she never felt she could be herself around me? And then I wrote her back and said um, no, I accept no blame for that/you hurt me too/why aren't you apologizing/etc. So I got her next letter last week, and it was very sweet, saying how she was really so sorry too and how she missed me & had wanted to ask me about New York & had thought of me when doing things she thought I would enjoy, etc. And how we are totally going to be friends again/all is forgiven & forgotten/love ya forever/etc.

mmmmm hmmmm

So guess what? Apparently she had some sort of beach party on Saturday and invited everybody. All of our friends. And some who she isn't really even very close to. Of course, I wasn't included in this at all. She invited everybody except me.

She invited everybody except me.

I never thought something like this would happen to me. You know? You hear about this stuff in those teen magazines... you think, wow, I'm glad I have some good friends. And then, there you go. I feel like I have nobody. I mean... nobody even stood up for me. My best friend went and didn't say a thing to Michele. Or me. She wasn't even going to tell me about it. The only way I found out was because my friend Lauren was invited but didn't go and asked me if I went.

This conversation happened right before history and I have never tried so hard not to cry. I mean, great first impression, right? Crazy emotional girl bawling on day one.

Ohhhh I just can't believe this. I feel betrayed by all of my friends. I feel so damn alone. I don't really know what to do though. I can't be mad at anyone because then I really will be completely alone.

You know what else? All that Kelsie, my best friend, said was "yeah it was pretty awkward, Michele kept saying 'I should have invited Natalie.' She felt really bad."

Well, darling, fuck that! I'm sure you felt bad. She probably just said that so nobody would think she was a bitch for not including me.

OH MY GOD! ...Do you think I'm overreacting? I just kept holding back tears the rest of the day. I would never do that to someone, really. I mean, I truly wouldn't, even if I didn't like the girl at all, that's just common decency, isn't it? God, I don't think my mom would even let me do something that low. Did she think I wouldn't find out?! I mean, is she that fucking stupid?! She invited all of my goddamn friends... yeah but none of them really did tell me... so that makes it even worse...

I absolutely hate this high school drama. I want to leave this place, I feel so trapped by her right now. I'm so upset with so many people... How could my best friend not tell me something like that? How could everybody just go to her party and act like it was nothing that I wasn't invited? Ughhh I feel like the reject... This is probably the most I've ever been hurt by someone, I think. And I feel hurt by everyone too. Everybody acted like nothing today.

Ahhh it's like agonizing here. I hate school and I don't want to be there anymore. She totally ruined everything for me. I don't know... should I talk to her, tell her this? UGH.

You know what the only good part of today was? In my 100 Things About Me section I mention my best guy friend being an old teacher of mine (he's 10 yrs older than me, very hot, loves me (hehe), etc.)... So I go to say hi after school and, damn. He was just so happy to see me. Really the only person today who seemed to be. I love him so much for that, I think I would have broken completely if I hadn't gotten that... We talked for almost a ½ hr. but I had to go (my poor little brother was waiting @ my car), and it was just like, why can't the rest of my life be this comfortable and calm and sweet? I brought him a little NY souvenir & he was so cute and excited. And he wanted to know everything about my day (of course I didn't mention the whole it was complete hell part) and my summer.

All I really need is that guy. When I left he shot me that smile & said "Hey you, don't be a stranger, k? I want you visiting me any time." :) And he always calls me Allie Marie, which is adorable. How much do I want my whole life to be him?

But I guess reality is I have one friend who includes everybody else and leaves only me out and a bunch of other friends who aren't bothered by this. Oh sweet.

I feel like such a loser. That and I also feel like doing something about it. Getting a body like Britney Spears' comes to mind.

But not just losing like 10 lbs and looking a little better. Like a serious best body in school kinda thing. I'm thinking 125 & toned.

That would be the constructive way to deal with this shit. Today I dealt with it in cookies, but you know, it's kinda like being cheated on by your boyfriend. You have to wallow a bit, then do something. I really have to consider some huge plan with that. I honestly might do it.

Hey I just also want to say thank you to whoever reads this diary, because it really means so much to me that you care. And Miss Christina, thank you especially, because when I was feeling completely worthless today, I thought of all your sweet notes in my guestbook & it helped alot. You're the best. :)