Well things have been going good with the diet so far. Not exactly perfect, but as long as I go to bed with little gnawing hunger pangs, that's good. It's how I judged it last time (when I lost 10 lbs).

I was going to eat a bowl of Cream of Wheat (love that stuff) after dinner tonight, but I was watching this movie (One Fine Day) and it took place in New York in cold weather, which is always insanely romantic for me, and then on top of that, it had a Van Morrison (who I love) song in it. And I was like, damn I want a boyfriend. Which led me to... don't eat!

It's hard. It really is. And I didn't exercise today. I just have absolutely no motivation to. But I guess as long as I eat well, I don't really care that much.

Ugh, I feel so blah. It's because I got Michele's response today. Remember I sent her a card apologizing for our problematic friendship? Well I guess I was hoping for her to apologize too, but she kinda just accepted mine and it seemed like she was blaming me for how she apparently felt she had to filter her personality around me so she wouldn't upset me. (Great idea, right? Worked well, huh?) Like I'm the one in control of how she acts around me or something. I hate being blamed, especially when you consider all the things I could have easily blamed her for doing to me, but chose not to, because I know it would've hurt her. Damn it. Our problems were hard for me to go through too. She hurt me too. It wasn't fun for me being treated like that... just as it wasn't fun for her. All I want is her to see that we both contributed and are both to blame.

I wrote her back & mailed it already. I don't know, maybe it's too much.

Anyway. I hope this is just a mood that passes, because I feel quite out of it to be honest. I feel really, really sad about it all.

I want someone to hug me and comfort me. But it's not like I want to call my best friend or something... I don't know why but it seems like only a guy can do it for me at this point. I guess that's a bad thing.

God, I hate this! I feel so alone and isolated... But I don't want to go looking for a boyfriend now... first of all 'cause you're not supposed to look for love and second of all 'cause (you guessed it) I feel too fat.

I just want to be skinny, then I wouldn't have all these problems.

I realize that everybody out there will say that's not true. But you know what? Even when I was 145 I was so much happier than this!

Sorry, I don't mean for this to be a depressing entry. And I am not going to let it be an excuse to eat. I promise

You know, I find that sometimes all it takes to get me not to eat is curiosity of what I'll weigh in the morning. I think, "Maybe I could weigh 150 tomorrow" So I figure I'd rather wait & see than screw up the possibility. I guess that's a good thing.

As long as I am under 145 by the time school starts. 'Cause you know I was 145 at the very end of school. Nobody really noticed. Probably nobody will notice until I'm in the 130s. ughhh why is this such a process!

I guess I just have to stick with it. WOW I am such a downer today, huh? I should probably just end it here, hopefully I'll be in a better mood tomorrow, sorry guys. :|